Traditional Advertising

a short story

The two men sat down in the wooden bench by the creek, it was holy saturday and the forest was pregnant with spring, the mosses gleamed with dew and the flowers were starting to bloom, but above their heads the trees danced ominously back and forth with the loud whooshing blows of the wind which drowned the sounds of the moving waters by their feet. The priest could not help but look around with mild paranoia, loosening his priestly collar with anxious fingers to help him breathe, afraid someone or something was watching them. Are you sure this place is safe, Yes, priest, you need not worry, no one knows us here, Except for, Yes, but he’s busy somewhere else and he’ll only be back tomorrow, What about, Don’t worry about them, they have no power, they’re just forest sprites, who are they going to tell, or rather, who’s going to listen to them, Ok, So, now that you’re at ease about the meeting, let’s start addressing your concerns.

The priest looked around once more to ensure there was no one there before he turned to the other man to speak, I suppose my first concern is about advertising itself, is it not a form of lying, In a way, yes, but it is lying for a good cause, in the name of the sacred, I know this is part of our tradition, and we’re not opposed to it of course, but we are worried that it sends the wrong message about our intentions, which are wholly good, Of course they are, we never had any doubt, in fact, no one with bad intentions ever hires our advertising agency, we are here to help you sell your product, Of course, the trouble is not the product, but rather that we are no longer completely affiliated with the main branch, they’ve changed their strategy and we were not fully on board, That is an advertising opportunity, Is it, Yes, the question is, how is the product different, Our problem is the product is always the same, That is not a problem, as you yourself said your main branch has changed strategy recently, in fact, across the centuries they pursued different campaigns, so that is what you should do as well, a fresh campaign, adapted to the times and to your particular brand, and you will see that the campaign is really more important than the product itself, How so, Let me give you an example, those other churches lie, but yours sacrifices the truth, which a cynic might take to mean the same thing, but in fact it is the very opposite, And what about the cynics, Those are immune to advertising anyway.

The priest was not convinced, Frankly, that still sounds like deceit, Then let me put it this way, didn’t your lord say he was the truth, Yes, he did, And you believe him, Of course, And wasn’t he sacrificed, Yes, he was, And isn’t that sacrifice precisely the foundation of your church, Indeed, Well, then, sacrificing the truth is the foundation of your tradition. The priest twisted his mouth and rubbed his chin, I suppose you’re right, I am, but that’s not important, It’s not, No, what’s important is that there is a right way of saying things, and that’s the business of advertising, I see, So you’re convinced, I am convinced you are good at your job, Well, then, the question you have to ask now is if our services will be of any help to you, what would you say is the most important thing you wish to accomplish, That’s an easy question to answer, people in the pews, It’s not as easy as you might think, because that begs the question, what kind of people, What do you mean, Will any people do, I’m afraid you might have to say it in another way for me to understand what you’re getting at, Ok, the question is very simple, and it’s this, are you interested in quantity or quality.

It took the priest some time to respond, but when he did he was sure, We are interested in quality, That’s what I thought, and that already narrows down the strategy, now we know who we’re going after, And what do you propose, Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, there are more questions to be answered, Like what, Like what your position will be in relation to the hierarchy, Well, I see you did not do your homework, We did, but it’s important that you say it, Ok, so you know our position is difficult, to be very blunt, the pope doesn’t like us, and the main reason is precisely that we differ on strategy, he wants to focus on quantity, any and everyone will do, while we think that’s a big mistake, But, But at the same time it is part of our very strategy to be traditionalist, so we can’t throw away the pope altogether, we’re in a bind, Yes, my suggestion there is to simply wait it out, perhaps the next pope will be more amenable to your needs, The needs of the church, Yes, of course, that’s what I meant, But until then, Until then we need to figure out exactly what you’re selling, And then you can help us find our niche, our audience, We prefer the term customers, but yes.

The priest put his hand in his pocket and took out a pipe, then before he went back to take out his pouch of tobacco, he asked, Do you mind if I smoke, To be very honest, I would prefer it if you don’t, you’re probably not aware, but I will tell you now just so you know how capable our agency is, that the whole campaign against tobacco was sold by us, and you see how successful it still is, the strategy has remained the same for almost a century and it is still working, Yes, I see. The priest put the pipe back in his pocket and then asked, So what do we need to do to find our niche, Let’s talk about your competitors, Well, there’s islam, Let me stop you right there, it is too late to compete with them, Are you sure about that, Yes, I am, What about judaism, You know there’s a non compete clause there, That’s true, And let me also say right away that you need not worry about the eastern religions either, nor atheism for that matter, those two can, indeed, yield you some customers in time, but you need not advertise with them in mind, Why not, Because that’s the business of quantity, not quality, when the quality customers come knocking on your door from those other religions, they will be interested in what’s different about you, not in the ways in which you are the same, You’re right, so that leaves the other churches, Indeed, Will you tell me what you think, then, Of course, that’s what you will hire us to do, your customers are in a very real sense our customers too, What do you have in mind, Well, for a start you cannot compete directly with those eastern churches, your brand is already far removed from their aesthetic sensibilities, as well as from their ascetic competitions, not to mention their metaphysical leanings, How do you mean, It’s very simple, really, you cannot sell that absorption into the divine that modern people like so much and that the eastern churches sell so well because you lack the other components they have, and it is too late to acquire them, Would you care to be more specific, If it wasn’t for the aesthetics the eastern churches could not really be distinguished at all from buddhism, for example, and the fact that they get so many disillusioned customers from that religion, or from similar milieus, is because they take the same ideas but they dress it in black, instead of shaved heads they have beards, and they double down on the asceticism, which is a strategy the buddhists rejected for their western campaigns, Did you do those, Yes we did, both of them, very successful ones, Indeed, and is there no conflict, Not with you, that’s what I’ve been saying, your customers lie elsewhere, So we have to be more personal, but at the same time, we cannot be so low brow, catering to the lowest common denominator as the protestants or the main branch of our own church, And that translates to the advertising lingo of keeping your brand, And what might be our brand, Given what we know and what we’ve discussed, your brand is traditionalism, but not just any kind, it is for those who are not so western that they embrace the east and not so modern that they refuse to acknowledge change, but the most important part is that you sell both absolute obedience and outsourcing of judgement, but also that to join you they have to disobey and judge for themselves, in short, your brand is tough ambiguity, And will that work, it doesn’t sound so great when you say it, Well, this is just a preliminary meeting, we’ll have to work on the actual campaign, but I can put your mind at ease by saying that all true religions, those who care about quality and not quantity, sell this very same product, every church and every temple, So what’s the difference, The difference is you’ll embrace it, So our little niche will be the only one that really has it as a brand, Well, not the only one, there is the mormon church, They don’t like to be called that, Yes, of course, but that’s part of the strategy, What is, to be called one thing and not like to be called that thing, and in fact, it will work for you too, But won’t that be a conflict, There is always room for two big companies selling the same product, Like pepsi and coca cola, Exactly.

The priest seemed more at ease, perhaps because the wind had subsided, the trees were quiet now, the only sounds were those of the water running in the creek and the birds singing their songs. The advertiser looked around, then at the priest, and asked, Do we have a deal, To be very honest I am still unsure about this, about hiring you, We understand, every religion always is and yet every one of them always does, that’s why it must always be in the shadows, ironically enough the very fact cannot be advertised, what a scandal it would be for a religion to hire the devil to sell their product, And what about God, You need not worry about him, he’s one of those cynics that does not believe in advertising.