A Dialogue on Dread

a short story

The two men retired to the library, leaving the women to the smoking room and the staff to the dishes. Now, my dear friend, come take a look at this, A beautiful bottle, and no doubt the contents are of even superior quality, Yet you will not drink it, Not at this time, no, Precisely, and that is part of the reason why I have invited you here.

My curiosity concerning your abstention is merely due to its relation with your new found demeanour, and I believe the demeanour to be the cause of the abstention, and not the other way around. But that is only my preliminary observation, you understand, though achieved after much thought and deliberation, and the resolution of this mystery, if I may say so, has proved to be at least a welcomed distraction, which I was and am in much need of, but what I really desire is to know the full truth, whatever it might be. Six months ago you were in a deep depression, as we all were, and some, like me, still are, and now you, sir, are not, and this, in short, is the object of my curiosity.

Ah yes, I see it now, excuse me for being so obtuse, you want to know my secret, Yes, very much so, Then you shall know it, but first, tell me what you think the answer might be and why, And you promise not to be offended, All I can promise is that if I am offended I will not stay offended, for that depends on my moral judgment, which I can control, whereas the other faculty I utterly lack, so here you have it, my promise, and I confess that I'm quite curious about what you might say, now that you've teased me with the prospect of offence, such is the ambivalent nature of the human breast, Quite right, now, then, I propose we start with the hard facts before you reveal your secret, for I wish to follow the whole process in order to understand. In other words, I want you to reveal the method, not just the end result.

He poured the expensive brandy from the gifted bottle into a single glass, while the other refilled his pipe.

The facts, then, are these. A year ago, when the war ended, the excitement of victory and the relief of peace, for our countries, our families, our men, and ourselves, especially after the years of horror and exhaustion, caused a state of bliss and tranquillity and comfort that lasted a few months, though perhaps less than that for some. Every breath taken, every dish tasted, every love made, every sight of nature or civilization seemed like the first, and it was a sublime feeling, divine even, to be back home alive, to enjoy the good things in life, and not just the good things, but the ordinary things, those that had been denied to us for so long, and threatened, and which we fought to protect. None of this, of course, is unheard of, but rather is the very natural behavior of a drug. Yet like all drugs, the effects become muted until one takes another dose, and there was none to be had in this case, thus slowly a deep boredom and depression began to creep, and soon lingered, over everything, every waking moment, finally turning into despair. And sure, some of us have learned to live with it in some way, and some have succumbed to it totally, while still others have overcome it, although I can only really think of one case of the latter, and that case is standing right in front of me.

So then, do you concur that these are the facts, Indeed, Then let us proceed to the speculative part of my disquisition, and I will begin by revealing that seven or eight months ago I began visiting certain parts of our city that no respectable gentleman should frequent, by which I mean places with loose women and foreign narcotics and games of chance. I am not proud of this, and let me say in parentheses that the allure and excitement was short lived, and soon I was back to facing the inexorable facts about our situation, and soon after that found myself in the same abyss as before. And all this leads me to you. During the early part of my days of debauchery, when the arousal of rule breaking was still at its height for me, I saw you in one of these streets of sin, and my recollection was of an utterly defeated man, a state that I had yet to reach. Later, when my own depression and boredom started to return, I reasoned that you simply had arrived earlier at the same state I was then in, after the debauchery had proven insufficient. But then, shortly after remembering your state and reflecting now on my own, I saw you at an official dinner and you seemed like a different man, which was already three months ago. From then until now, I have invited you regularly for dinner and I have been observing you, and my theory as of now is that I attribute your continued state of peace to the workings of some drug, but I mean not a substance, per se, in fact I am quite sure the answer to the riddle is of an altogether different nature, no, I mean a habit, a substitutionary rite, a replacement vice. Though, I must admit, your composure is far too great and consistent for the explanation to be so simple. To conclude, my speculation is that you experienced the same depression as I, tried the same medicine, which did not work and brought you back to the same state as before, but then you found one medicine of some kind that did. And to be quite frank, I did not yet find it. As an example, and bringing us back to where the conversation began, while you have given up alcohol, I find myself drinking more than ever.

He poured another glass of brandy.

So now, my friend, I ask you to reveal your secret, not just to satisfy a vain curiosity, but so that perhaps I might try for myself that miraculous solution, and thus either return to my old self or be transformed into a new one, able to face the future that awaits us without despair.

And I, as promised, will reveal it. Your observation about my arriving at the state of depression earlier than most was true, but it is important to say that the state of bliss after the war ended also lasted for me a short time, and more importantly, it was of a different nature. For myself the feeling was only of relief, and this in a simple, not an existential form, by which I mean that while being home most assuredly brought some comfort, I had long grown doubtful that any true victory could be achieved, and what became clear to most only with time, was for me clear very early on in the war. And thus when victory was declared, it brought me no joy or hope, as I already knew that what we called victory was a mere compromise, at best buying us some time and at worst, and I do believe it is the truth, signing our own death sentence, the definitive defeat.

Since I was of this opinion, the high of returning home was not sufficient to keep me happy, or even normal, for long. The images of their armies, only now without weapons, standing at the gates, waiting, was sufficient to keep me from sleep for days and pushed me to drink heavily for the same duration. I was in one of these states that night. But you were wrong about the kind of medicine. I knew my state could not be cured by earthly pleasures, and I had gotten into my head, probably from reading it somewhere, that what I was feeling was a form of withdrawal. I needed combat, or perhaps something beyond it. Of course now it is obvious that this was not the reason at all. But back then it seemed plausible, so I went out that night you saw me into strange parts of the city, with one intention, to kill. Yet I killed no one. I pointed a pistol at a homeless man and a cat, but I was not able to do more. I cried out in pain and the cat ran away, the homeless man was passed out drunk so likely never knew how close he had come to death. Then I put the pistol to my temple and pulled the trigger. Nothing. I opened the chamber and there was one bullet missing. I believe you saw me as I left the alley that night, because at that moment I was feeling the deepest defeat one can imagine, I had fallen into yet another, deeper abyss, to fail even to take one’s own life, the one moment with enough courage or abandon to do it ending as a terrible joke.

I went to bed as soon as I got home. My wife was sleeping in another room with the children, and to my surprise, I myself could go to sleep without any troubling thoughts. I woke with a hangover and after putting together the events of the night before, I took my pistol. I did not think, as I was still only half awake, I simply pulled the trigger. And I was spared once again. Yet something else hit me at that time, almost as if it had been shot directly from the gun. The best way I can describe it is as a vision, a vision of chance delivering the most favourable fate of all possible ones. My vision concerned using the pistol, as it was, with one bullet missing from the chamber, and let it decide when death is most appropriate. Every morning upon waking the dice is thrown, so to speak, until now. This, and this alone, has kept me sane since then.

You mean to say that every day you pull the trigger, every single day, how long has this been going on, Five months.

So you see, this is the secret, Yet I am still puzzled, surely I can understand that the first morning, the second, the third, and even the tenth, would have caused untold excitement indeed, Indeed, such was the jolt of life force from knowing that death had come so close but missed that the state I was in approached madness at times, But this is not a state you are in now, No, my friend, not at all, And yet you are neither bored nor depressed, you are alert but deeply relaxed, Indeed I am, And this is what I do not understand, for every drug loses its potency, and yours has not, It is true that each escape gave me a massive jolt of energy, and it is also true that with time those peaks disappeared, I had developed a habit. It was then that I began to reflect on my vision, and it was this reflection that led me to my current state. I became convinced that death will come at the right time, neither too early, not too late, and thus, since then, I have no fear or expectation, I enjoy every moment with my family, with my friends, with the good and ordinary things in life, I have taken the danger out of my mind, and I trust that, when it’s time, the bullet will be delivered, and our dignity and integrity kept safe.

He finished the brandy before reacting to the story. Yes, yes, I understand all of it now, many times the thought crossed my mind, and not even just on my behalf, but of my family, Precisely right, we are in complete agreement, which is why the same exercise is followed, not just by me, but by my wife as well, and through ourselves, the children, You mean, you put a gun to their heads, Yes, indeed, the day is fast approaching, but we may not know until it is too late, and there is no way I will let those monsters get their hands on my family, I don’t want them to die with fear in their hearts, we will face the end in peace, as a family.

I have no words, Yet you know I am right, all is quiet now, but for how long, the rumblings have already started, and when they finally come, that will be that, and I would prefer to spare my family not just the worse of it, but any part of it, so perhaps we should call them in, and partake altogether, You trust fate that much, Yes, but not as much as I trust chance.